yep... time to accept defeat and move on time to take a dive and enjoy the water on my skin and through my hair cooling me off...

i'm fucking fuming im sick of people
i fucking hate everything
as emo as it sounds i don't care...

i am tired of being treated like shit
i'm fucking sick of being used lied to laughed at an stolen from

i am beyond livid
it isn't funny in any sense my life the amount of shit thats gone "missing" has me fuming
i know material possessions aren't everything and it isn't what i'm mad about i'm mad about being betrayed by people i trust
in the last year alone i have had stolen:
*$100 from my bedroom last week
*my ipod from my room
*my dvd player and countless dvds when i moved which funnily enough wer4e there when we were packing
My Nintendo DS which was one of the few things i had bought myself from my loan which is also making my life a hella more shit
*countless CDS from my bedroom
*clothes
*other money which would sum up to $300
things that i gave up on ticking onto my list are also here

aside from that im tired of being judged
my life has turned to shit
i have no job
ii've put on weight
i have no motivation
i'm forced into situations i don't want to be in

My Pride It hurts...... I feel low. low as i have every been

how can i prove myself anymore

why do I always end up being the one to do so
i'm annoyed at people lying about me behind my back and not having the balls to confront me

I most of all hate being the point of a laugh or treated as a fool


it seems no matter what i do i can never enjoy my life

this "bad luck streak" of which i have had this year infuriate me
it isn't as though i haven't worked hard in mym life only to be looked upon a burden to people which in turn isn't fair on those people

but does it mean i have to be a pet and jump when they say so... at what point in my my life has anyone given me a break?

when people flock to me it's to use me because i have money

and all those people turn their back on you
who's left at the end of the day?
who calls me purely to see how i am

i have chased people in my life and i am over it
i don't want to be made to feel like shit for my way of life
who am i hurting? i haven't fucking killed people i haven't treated people horribly i've been careless at times and i know i can be distant but since when is that bad, i'm sorry i'm just used to people treating me like crap i'm too afraid to get close to anyone
you try living my entire life with as much pride as i have now....

I don 't like to be shallow but i have morals and standards i treat people respectfully i love my family i don't steal from people i don't lie to people....

i always have turned my life upside down for people and all they can ever say is it isn't good enough

so why do you choose to step on my toes and make a mockery of me i am not a joke i am a person a damn pissed off one at that

the men that have used me oh i'm sure im a right laugh to them because I am bubbly deni who you can use she won't care she's nice

well no more miss nice Deni
fuck all of you who have once laughed at my expense i think often of people who i have hurt and i don't laugh i am resentful of my behavior but in saying that i have forgiven many who hurt me..but whats the point..like they give a shit anyway.....

No Body knows me inside and out

people know bits and pieces but no one tried....

i'm pissed at the world tonight i'm pissed at everyone....

Like as if i don't have feelings.....

ON TOP OF ALL OF THIS SHIT
i'm upm to my ears in debt
$20,000
isn't just a lttle bit at my age i lost my job at the beginning of the year in the same week i lost my apartment

my best friend was a lying using piece of scum

"Deni, i never want you to look at me and think i'm a slut" yeah well you shouldn't have tried to fuck every male friend around me you slag"

that is one of the few people i never want to see again and don't think for a second i hadn't confronted her about her behavior,oh, trust me i did "*nodds head* i'm sorry i love you deni i never want to hurt you"

I feel sorry for her partner he could do sooo much better then someone like yourself though i haven't spilled the full extent of my feelings of her and the shit that she has done i could go on forever but all i hope is that people find out for themselves the real type of person she is...

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

i don't know what to do when i try and try i always feel like im always the one whos doing people wrong i wish i could make things better but how can i when people don't try when they say they will and then they don't or if they just completely overhaul your life and well i feel like im on stand by for my (social) life to begin again....

I'm tired of making new friends all over its rather annoying hearing myself over and over again when i really just want my friends back........ what should i do??? HELP ME SOMEONE

i've been a bitch but i'm not in the wrong.

i've been there for people and now i feel like everyone has turned their back on me.

i feel more alone now then i ever have and it honestly is tearing me apart. where do i begin to pick up the pieces...
it's been so long since anyone really gave a shit.

but no in life i have to pay don't i... :'(

i'm not always this sad but this is honestly the lowest i've ever felt about my friendships

1970's when the music was experimental and original amoungst other things when ther were things worth passionatly fighting for when a t-shirt the one that was worn untill it no longer fitted how I wish I was a teen in the 70's get into it :)

She used to be the sweetest girl ever
Now she like sour and Mcgregor
She wears a dress to the T like the letter
And if you make it rain she will be under the weather
She used to run track back in high school
Now she tricks off the track right by school
She takes a loss cos’ she don’t wanna see her child lose
So respect her, I’ll pay up for the time used
And then she runs to the pastor
And he tells her there will be a new chapter
But she feels no different after
And then she asks him…
Cos’ I’ma tell you like Wu told me
Cash rules everything around me
Singin’ dollar dollar bill y’all (dollar, dollar bill y’all)
Singin’ dollar dollar bill y’all(dollar, dollar bill y’all)
Some live for the bill
Some kill for the bill (where my money at?)
She wined for the bill
Grind for the bill (where my money at?)
Some steal for the bill, if they got to pay the bill (where my money at?)

Just a curious thought about people who can seem so significant for so long and have played a massive roll in one anothers life and then like one thing ruins everything in the blink of an eye its all over its gone its just like you're forgotten... it makes you wonder do these people ever give you a second thought or are you wasting your time thinking if they are okay... leaving school early made me so distant to many but then again if i had stayed would it have been any different or is it just wishful thinking. may be a bight of both but hey. i don't know i just get really hurt when a person has the audacity not to even acknowledge you it shits me chronically up the wall!!!!!!!!!
it's not hard to say hello why be such a cunt for

this could most likely be the least fortunate week I've ever endured at the beginning of this week i lost my apartment at the end i lost my job all that was in between was anxiety, arguments and endless lectures from every direction....

I come away from this week learning a lot i suppose.

What a way to start my year... I've not been a prosperous person for a long time and maybe it has been my downfall for sometime i had for a long time been a person of faith not in religion or in any leader of kinds but in myself... i seem to have brought my self worth to a minimum sometime ago i definitely have an ego and goals but weather they are in practice well clearly things tend to shatter them when i get the slightest confidence to be strong.
On the flip side i have my oh so amazing Fiancee Nicholas to spend the rest of my life with i have a future to look forward to, i know ,but it's definitely put a spanner in the works.... i should really just get over it.... anyways there's my womanly rant:D

At this day and age in my life i'm feeling pretty aware of where i am aiming in my life
it's not amazingly creative and exciting....i just want to enjoy my life with no expectations from others as i tend not to give a shit anyway uuuunless it's my mum but hey what can i say...
I'm 19 now
i am working fulltime
i am single(and plan to keep it that way for a LONG while)
i enjoy people and getting trashed or not getting trashed
i love my job i truly do it makes me happy to be there when i get there it's just the waking up in the morning
my family isn't too fucked up at current
but who's perfect aye
i'm revisiting the going to many gigs & raves
getting stoned alot but only when i can and so i am responsible eh
i've had my heart completely ripped out and just splattered across the rooms of my empty lost mind
i continuously analyze my life and where i am at which is irritating in it's self i drive myself nuts
i have some amazing friends who i adore and who are always there for me when i need them WHICH two of have fallen in love with one another and i am sooo happy to see their love bloom as i know how much they didn't want it to happen so i find it hilarious that it backfired on them BOTH and they can actually appreciate one another:)

My health sucks balls but i'm alive so hey but i quit smoking as of today we shall see how long it lasts

apparently i should start a band and get my lyrics out to people lol which i will eventually do when i don't feel like such a twat about how they come across i'm goignt o be taught to play drums..about fecking time eh

i have met some awesome guys since being free ^_^

ahhhhhhhhhhhh
i don't know i just needed a ramble i'm so confused but i know what's going on
it's a fucked up state of mind i tend to fall into alot.

i miss so many people and i wish i could re-connect with them the same but people change and you can only develop new relationships
:)
*sigh*
aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i feel like i have so much to say
i just really don't know where to begin
i have political points of view
and religious ahh fuck it
i just want to move out have fun and get smashed and talk about everything with people and listen to as much live music as i can possibly get in :P
<33
this is where i am at i guess :)
just need to better myself to boost my confidence another time and i'll be sweet haha

Ok so i was randomly thinking today...i know i have a brain amazing with brain cells.
anyway

why do people always wish they were little kids ???
yeah freedom..but why don't people just love the things they enjoyed as a kid i can say i had so many fun things i did have
i dunno
i think it is in the past and i loved it but i want to move forward in life not dwell and procrastinate .....

I LOVE LIFE ..but i hate it.....

:D
i love so much in life btu i guess i hate the expectations ...in the end i am the one living my life no one else...if people don't like it don't be a part of my life
.....
not directed at anyone...just a thought....
*dances*
'192020192020' man that song pisses people off but i love it ^_^

I guess that is one of the few things you and Julez had in common
the loving of incubus and him being proud you got me more in depth into them.

I won't deny how much i miss you,but my heart still hurts i'm not angry i would just prefer to keep a distance which is why i promise nothing and have decided to let go. I respect you're getting help and all and i will say this you will find out your defence mechanism has always been with in your own power and that the way you treat people is and has always been in your hands it is how we choose to be. you can't put it on problems that were out of your hands because in all reality that's just blaming people for your issues, it isn't them it's you. I'm not saying it to be a bitch because i'm over being a bitch.

When it comes to what is holding me back from getting close to you is that i don't feel the trust as i used to.
you came between me and my mum which plays a major part, i confided in you as my best friend who would never betray me weather in a petty argument or in death. i wouldn't have and to this day and in the future would never throw things in your face in which you told me during our friendship.
so now i have the problem of if i attempt devolping a new friendship with you, my mum and i will have an argument over the fact you were so disrespectful. and i can't change it it was a really low blow. i guess I've got the feeling as though i'm not aloud to get over it, i can't change what happened but i can be honest and let you know why i'm not so eager to jump into anything.

on top of that i'm scared of not being able to be myself around you without being judged, but i guess i don't give you the same courtesy.i won't lie alot of things about you get under my skin liek your sense of humor is really not all that funny it's reality and the morbid things in which are things you're inconciderate int hinking it may offend more that one person. you're unaware of your surroundings  and the people who love you and  make the effort not to hurt you but  you won't stop to think twice about what you say.

there are alot of things i never told you because i knew if it came to what it did how you would use it.

babe i know you so much better than you ever thought

with these flaws i still loved you. but it hurt so much when i felt so under the radar when i had made such a huge deal about your coming to australia and made sure things would be easier for you. my party was about you about enjoying my 18th with you.
but i don't think you knew that.

i have a heavy heart when it comes to thoughts of you so i become bitter towards my feelings for you

i wish i oculd turn back the clock and not have blown things out of proportion.

i never wanted anything from you except to be considerate of my feelings and efforts i have made, the same way Hannah does in every little thing i do for her(not that it's much :P) but she will be overwhelmed.

i wish i could hold a conversation with you where it consists of people other than you in a positive sense.

I hope one day you see that people go through worse things than you and that maybe you should shut up and be sympathetic towards them and listen and not try to empathise because you suck at it :P

these things are the reasons i have chosen to bide my time and be sure if i am ready to be hurt again or just to be happy

i'm sorry if i hurt you or made you angry in this and i hope you don't take offence to it because it isn't my intention but my intention is to be honest i guess it's harsh but i think i have the right to tell you what my issues with you are.

I'm always one to dig a deeper whole for myself and always fuck up time after time doesn't fail

why i came back not even i know

but i'm here with no place to turn to but here

No right to opinion no right to free thinking no right to defend my self as i am below everyone

No right to defend the one person i love who is there for me

gosh since when was it a crime to be cut at a parent and say fuck man they're giving me the shits and their annoying

i had no idea life had to seem so perfect
well it isn't
and i am not pretending it is
i am only sick to death of lies and maybe she is right maybe i should just
i don't know i can't
not untill i can afford it
it's shit

again
i hate my life

i'm here and forced into a place i no longer belong

i'm at dads and i'm lonely as all hell

at least i can tell him how i feel without him trying to justify himself

the day will come when i am better

i don't want to exist sometimes

but not when i am away from here

here i want nothing but to disappear *sigh*

so much for writers block good timing i guess.....

Okay

so at current i am having mixed emotions

Lee wrote to me apologised for some things she said and that

but inside me i want to say fuck off i don't care but at the same time i want to run and hug her
on this end  i felt obliged to write but i wanted to write
it's crazy!
i wrote back but yeah ....

anyway if anyone reads this please let me know if its normal

i feel stupid because im so scat that im crying!
xX

Last  NIght stayed at the Mans place night before was awesome

Hannah came to the city around 8
and we went to hungry Jacks the Sexy Spanny was wearing her dress up Cop hat and so we got free foods :P and hannah copped stares left right n center but good stares :P
 after that we headed over to Hyde park and Hannah was setting the leaves alight  and looking like a complete Piro in the process


 We eventually headed over to Darling harbour and sat by the water taking photos
  like the dicks we are  we then were approached by some Korean tourists to take a Picture of them then it turned into an hour and a half of lost in translation Then they had our hot chocolates when we bought them HMPH but it's all good we ended up saying we had to go then headed towards home on the way i was busting to pee so we went into the pub near my house and ended up staying and being shouted pool and having fun with a couple of dudes that work at the pizza shop next door and we all in all had a great time the following day i dragged Hannah along to my weekly routine of
 WORK DIRECTIONS THE EVIL on the walk home we went to pizza hut the works ..... SO SO SO MUCH FOOD
 
we felt slightly ill afterwards but it was worth it i am already missing the woman oh and Gelatos for the win!

yay
me happy
so im going to the formal on saturday woo woo
and im getting my dress tomorow
will be hot
:P
not rly cause ima fat terd
but uno =>
im happy
lifes cool
uno
:P
even if miles may hate my guts and wont just say it :P
or he might not
but sersly
wont get into that ryt now
i love JEWELZ
man
why do i continuously fall into relationships
one minute im saying lets take it as it comes next its like 2 months :P CRAZY
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
dont worry be happy
buh
in such a good mood
although i have been all bitchy lately for no apparent reason
no it isn't 'that time of month' just i duno
werd :P xxxx

Why hello LIvejournalers

man
my life is all crazy
hmmm
<33
anywho
love love

Your Lucky Underwear is Yellow

You're an extremely happy, laid back, fun soul. And your lucky yellow underwear can help you get even more out of life. In life, you rather play than work. You're apt to quit any task that doesn't nourish your creativity and inner child. Sometimes your drive for freedom hinders your quality of life. You find it impossible to do anything unpleasant. If you want to have responsibilities and still have fun, put on your yellow underpants. They'll help you make a party out of the most mundane tasks.

Your Emoticon is Cool

You're not feeling particularly up or down, just relaxed and calm. You're ready for whatever is going to happen next!

You Are A Lime Tree

You are intelligent, hard working, and innately successful. You try to change what you can in life - and you accept what you can't change. Tough on the outside, you are actually soft and relenting. Jealous at times, you are extremely loyal and giving to those you love. You have many talents, but you don't have enough time to use them.

Your Fortune Is

Just because men have one, doesn't mean they have to be one.

Exotic Dancer Name Is...

Mystique

Your Porn Star Name Is...

Rhonda Rimmer

im sick of being ther for people
uno
im there all the time for people
and when ther happy they be ther mildly for me
but my attention is fully fokasd ont hem when they need me
im happy
and not one friend
btu pretti much all of them start to fall to bits
wtf
why
why do things come across this way
maybe it isn't
maybe its a way of keeping me down and not letting me get ahead of myself and fucking enjoy life?

meh
i duno
all i know is that i would honestly at this point lik,e to seclude myself from the world and be fucking happy
meh
not refering to anyone in particular
im just
i duno
haivng a winge
its meaningless
meh

oh my
ok
so my cousin had her baby about 2 weeks ago now
anfd he was beautiful
buh!
and yes
i have a new bf
buh i seem to not be able to stick to one for a while oh well hwo knows, but apparently this one really loves me :P i know i love him and we been seein eachother for like a month hes cool <33 anywho short update ill put picks of baby up later on xxx